Even though it sucks, I still need to do it. It’s just that time of year where school just is dragging out. There are less than 8 weeks left of school, and then SUMMER! Can’t wait. But until then, I want to finish strong, and get good grades. I know I can do it if I just work hard.

Well, i’m gunna go start my homework. I need to finish it. I hate not having my math homework. I think this whole year, I have only not turned in like 2 assignments. Alright, I have to get started. Peace.

So I have been struggling this year to stay in school, mostly due to the fact that I have been beyond stressed out, anxious, and constantly have that heavy weight on my shoulders. Alongside, my school has simply just thrown me into the special education program, and said, good luck!

However, the special ed program at my school is incredible. But I just feel like they haven’t given me exactly what I needed. I have an IEP, and what not, but there have been few accommodations made that have actually helped me.

So like a few weeks back, I started the Bridges program at my school, which is a special ed program that students go to when they miss a bunch of school for whatever reasons. For about a week I went their all day to just do my make-up work, and prepare to go back to my classes. I finally went back, and was all up-to-date, except for one class: American Studies. American Studies is a combined class of english and U.S. History. Therefore, double the periods, double the work. And that was the last class I went back to.

I go back into American Studies, and I am still doing my Junior Theme, which is a big paper for juniors, and reading The Great Gatsby. And on top of all that, the day I go back, they assign a brand spankin’ new project on The Great Gatsby that they suspect me to finish in time by the regular due date. And on top of THAT, it is a group project, so I have responsibilities with other classmates. And on top of ALL of THAT, I still haven’t even finished reading Gatsby. So then I didn’t go to school today, because this weekend I had just huge mindfucks left and right, and a whole bunch of periods where I needed to calm myself down due to the amount of work I have to do.

I am going back to school tomorrow, but I am going to express how I feel about the curriculum to them. They want to keep me balanced, and not stressed, but now I have been the most stressed and unbalanced I have ever been. So, I am going to just go tomorrow, and tell them how I feel, and give them the work I have completed. The thing is Spring Break is coming up, along with my birthday (FER SURE), so it’s like all the big projects in school are being finished THIS week, while i’m trying to catch up from the past like 4 weeks.

I am done now. It’s all out of me. I love having a blog for these exact moments. But if you could, just PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE help me out, drop a comment, and give me some advice, I would really appreciate it.

I honestly believe that it’s wrong that schools put students through the pain they go through. And my school has it the worst, and i’m in the worst grade possible. Junior Year. During finals, my whole school turns into drug addicts. Somehow there is enough people with Adderall and other ADHD medications at my school to supply almost all 4500 students with a weeks supply of speed. From little freshman, to big seniors. Everyone is just taking tons of pills, and the school administration is well aware of it.

Let me explain to you what goes on at my school. We finish all of our new material for the semester, and then go on winter break for 2 weeks. First off, what exactly does the school think students are doing over winter break? Going over school work daily? No. Teenagers will get drunk, stoned, trip, and snort random stuff at any chance they can get. I can safely say I didn’t go too crazy over winter break, and I still completely forgot everything I was doing previously to winter break. When we get back after winter break, we have 1 week to review, and receive our study sheets. And then the following week is the dreaded finals. If I had finals right before winter break, I would probably have to do about a quarter of the studying I have done SO FAR. Oh, and on top of that I have to read a book for my Junior Theme. I am on page 75, and there is a little more than 400 pages. The reading is due the first thing after finals.

Where am I at right now? Sitting in bed at 2:20 AM on Monday, patiently awaiting the painful feeling of looking at your alarm clock when it says 6:30 AM, and is making a very sharp, painful noise. Today I woke up at 10:30 AM, got ready for the day, and was in the library wrist deep in notes, text books, and binders. I had such bad hand cramps I thought I wouldn’t be able to continue. I ended up studying from 1:30 AM, and just recently ended my studying about 10 minutes ago. It’s 2:24 AM, and I want to shoot myself, metaphorically speaking of course.

This long, rant-styled blog is dedicated to all high school & college students currently in a world of pain because of finals. Good luck to all, and to all a good night. Good night.

But that’s beside the issue. What I really wanted to talk about was what defines a swear? Is it the history of the words? The context it is used in? Or the way it was expressed? It doesn’t make sense to me. The FCC doesn’t allow a certain list of words on the radio, but what makes a word acceptable, and inappropriate? Where is the line drawn? For example, the word ass. Ass may be viewed as a swear, but it literally is just a donkey.

I was playing the song Empire State of Mind on the show, and all of the sudden, the N bomb popped up. I agree that the word isn’t exactly okay, but what exactly makes it a swear? I am currently reading Frederick Dougless, and I have been hearing the word a lot recently. I agree that it is a terrible word, with terrible history, but what makes it unacceptable? I am Jewish, and I almost feel that the word Jew is a bit edgy. I just don’t understand sometimes how words can be seen as not okay to say.

I remember, I was outside Grant Park over the summer entering Lollapalooza for the second day. And right outside the entrance, there were two people with big signs, and a megaphone, and they were saying we were all going to hell, and god hates our music. This was mostly because of the fact that Tool was headlining that day, but still, that was okay? They were telling my that if I did not turn to Jesus, I was going to burn in hell. It just doesn’t make sense to me.

Sorry. I was just recently very cleverly tricked into downloading Internet Antivirus Pro. Sounds like a useful program, but it’s quite the opposite. It acts as a security center, but just leaves tons of fake annoying messages on your computer saying you have loads of viruses. I went to a forum, and the page was secretly switched to a page advertising the program. It said my computer has a virus, so I must download this certain program to be allowed to enter the website. This was an important web forum, (the one for my new logo job), so I was like, whatever. Let me note that this was also at 3:00 AM, so I wasn’t thinking.

Anyway, now my computer is fucked up, and is pissing me off. I am getting a computer guy in tomorrow to get it off of my computer. I can’t even run photoshop without me getting 100 messages saying, “THIS PROGRAM IS CORRUPTED!” Sometimes it automatically restarts my computer. I should stop saying bad things about the program, because it might read this, and piss me off even more. Just kidding, but seriously.

So that’s all. That has been the delay. I didn’t totally leave my website like last time. This is the first time I have been able to get on the internet without anything happening. So yeah, everything will be fine for tomorrow. My bad, haha.

The new Buy section doesn’t seem to be working out too well. Apparently my prices are too high. I wouldn’t actually know how to price, so I will lower them. I will also make some premade layouts for sale so that you can choose one if you like. I will also be adding various things to the website, such as brushes, textures, scans, and other things.

Lately I have been wanting to create vectors and vexels, so I downloaded illustrator for a trial for the 4th time, and I am going to play around with it again. I realized I can make vexels in photoshop, so I am working on one at the moment. I used to make them a while ago, and stopped, and now I want to again. I will put the finished work in my portfolio, but don’t expect it to be done any time soon.

Check around for new updates in the next week or so, and hopefully everyone will be pleased.

My first dream better come true. I have been wanting to see Daft Punk live for, well, since I came out of my mom’s whom. I will seriously cry in happiness if they come to town. But, most of their shows are like 18, or 21 and older. Therefor, I will go as far as getting a fake ID, or killing people. You don’t know how much I want to see those to Europeans. I will get on the ground, and suck their balls to see them.

My next dream, is to ride the worlds tallest and fasted roller coaster. Or the second tallest and fastest, because it is closer to me. Top Thrill Dragster, at Cedar Point. I want to take a road trip out to Ohio, and go there for like 2 days. I love roller coasters with a passion, and I just love the thrill it gives me.

My next dream is be to rich and famous of course.

I hope they all come true, because I am hurting, haha. Sorry, I just needed to vent about that.

Today, after I stayed up all night, worrying and anxious, he finally realized he is the piece of shit I make him out to be, and says he will give me a perscription. At this point I was expecting Alprazolam, because I have cleary told him it is the only medicine that has worked. And he tried to get all smart ass on me, and said, well your Clonezapem was the same as Alprazolam, and you said it didn’t work. Well, hmm, Idk, it might be similar, but they are completely different drugs, or else they would be named the same. And, I took the same amount of Klonopin, and the same amount of Xanax, and the Klonopin made me super baked, and the Xanax put me to bed.

So anyway, I got my perscription today, and it was Trazodone. Before I continue, I am not taking it. The side effects of it all have to deal with 4 hour painful erections, surgery on my penis, impotence, or erectile disfuntion. Sure, I may not get addicted, but I may not have kids because of it, or get surgery on my penis, or deal with long painful boners. I just don’t want to deal with that shit. It took my doctor until my insomnia showed for him to move his pinky. It’s total bullshit, and I haven’t been in school for the past 3 days, and my sleep schedule has completely flipped, and all because of his neglegence. Now my parents are threatening to send me to Idaho for some boarding school because of this shit. There is another thing. My parents. They don’t know therapy for a hole in their ass. They think if I go to school 3000 miles away, it will be totally different. They think if I go to a hospital for 2 weeks, I will be cured of an illness I have dealt with for 7 years. They are so fucking stupid.

I hope you are happy Dr. Feld.

I have never seen such a waste of my money and time. My new doctor is the most unprofessional person out there.

Here is my background. For about 7 years now, I have been dealing with school refusal problems, and I have gone to many doctors for medication and help. I specifically told this doctor that medication has helped me the most out of anything. He just didn’t listen to me, and said I had to do everything natural. I understood where he was coming from, but when it is risking my sophomore year of highschool, it is just not worth it.

I told him, what if I slip up, and can’t go to sleep one night, or lose my sleep schedule? He simple said, if I kept to my plan that won’t happen. The truth of the matter is, it will happen, and it just did. I couldn’t go to sleep last night with the vitamins he made my buy, so I was up until 3:00 AM. If I had any medication, I could have taken one to relax and go to sleep.

Now, on the third day of school, I have already messed up. Who’s to blame? Should I take accountability for my actions? Or should I blame my doctor for being unprofessional and ignorant?

Anyway, anyone a Sublime fan out there? Last night I was reading about Brad Nowell’s death, and I was getting really emotional. I didn’t get it. Like, I was listening to their music and Brad’s voice, and then I read his biography, and it really touched me. Like, I honestly think Sublime is one of the only bands that has really changed me, and touched my soul.

Drugs are so bad. They found him in his hotel room with a needle in his arm laying on his bed. What if? Ya know? Like what if he didn’t have a heroin problem? But I think he was a strong person. He believed in love what you got, and love your life. You know, that shit.’

This one’s for you Brad.